HBL+WFH during COVID

I have been WFH for more than a month already. The boys also have been doing full HBL during this period as well.

I think i have been doing a good job so far. Every day, i plan out and arrange the work/tasks that they need to do the next day. I will write down the tasks required the night before. Even until now when they have started their holidays early, people may think that they have no other assignments to do. But who says so? I still plan out work for them to do, be it worksheets, art, typing, exercise, they are also scheduled to help out with some simple housework, eg folding their own clothes, wash cloth and clean their study desk/dining table, sweeping/mopping their own room. These are manageable tasks, just that need to plan out the timing right so that i can also have my time to do my own things.

Besides WFH and managing their HBL, i also need to do other housechores, and even cooking. If i am not cooking, i would need to rush out to buy lunch back. It will be manageable when they can execute some tasks independently, but there are still work that i would be required to be beside them to monitor and guide. 

The house is still in a piece, and every one is still alive. But i should praise my sons after all. They have been cooperative so far and have been rather obedient.

However, parents may not have the patience to do the coaching and teaching when at home. For me, i definitely do not have such patience. Even if i am an ex-educator. Haha, what a irony. I feel proud of myself, as well as my boys, because every one has been abiding to the regulations and restrictions. I just hope everything and everyone can sustain and maintain good health and mental state. 

失眠

这整个星期都是处在失眠夜的状态。都是差不多凌晨两三点后才能入睡。不知是否头脑里的思绪太乱，还是因为背痛的缘故，翻来翻去就是睡不下。

人脑啊，就是一个复杂的器官。要它停下来时它不听话，要它此时运作它又和你唱反调。前阵子也一直有头痛的毛病，不知道哪里出了问题。这几天又好像没有那么频繁了。

双眼瞪得大大的，头脑一直不肯休息。尝试过用经典乐来舒缓情绪，就是不管用。

头脑不时出现很多不同的画面和想法。不断出现的是 “如果” 的画面。

很多事情就是怎么想也想不通，我认为自己的性格也有问题，就是有时会钻牛角尖，胡思乱想。我觉得，谁不想每天都是愉悦的，无忧的。一个人若常常胡思乱想，钻牛角尖往往与缺乏安全感扯不开干系。矛盾的是：安全感，不是每个人都给得起的。

不是一个人不在外胡搞瞎搞就是安全感。不是一个人嘴上说爱你就是安全感。每个人的要求都不一样。你所谓的安全感又是什么呢？

说到 “如果”，在脑中浮现的情景是，如果。。。如果我有一架时光机，我想回到我15岁的时候。15岁，是我认为我人生中其中一段最开心的时候。我很感激这个曾经在我生命里出现的人。甚至到我出嫁时，他也给与我他的祝福和支持。我十分感激他的大方，感激他的慷慨，感激他的原谅。若时间能够倒流，我宁愿不要他的祝福，我宁愿不要他的支持。

身为我的头脑，它非常忙碌。它每天都在帮我想很多事情，所有好的坏的，导致我的思绪很乱，久久无法平复。失眠，应该就是这样吧。

这2个星期对我来说不容易。一方面我要表现得自然，因为生活还是要过，孩子还是要看，工作还是要做。另一方面，我的心很乱，很多时候都想什么都不要做，就是哭一场，大哭特哭。生活上和情绪上的矛盾搞得我晚上都睡不着。凌晨1-2点，眼睛还是大大的，怎么躺都不对。我不想和任何人有正面的交谈，因为我怕。我怕眼泪又会不由自主地流下。就算没哭，也会热泪盈眶。

你看，头脑一直左想右想，不失眠就假了。我今天要试一试早点躺下，看有没有办法趁早入眠。

What is next

I am asking myself this question, ok fine, so what's next?

In my mind, in a r/ship, be it friendship, courtship, love, kinship, there must be a basic mutual trust and commitment. If there is no trust, it is very difficult to sustain. At least to my own opinion. I dunno about others.

There is no definite right or wrong in any matter, it's your own choice and you bear the consequences. That is simple. No argument. But, if the explanation is not substantial then how would you want to convince people to trust you. 

Maybe to you, what you want is a person who is independent enough to take care of ownself. Dun give you any kind or any form of trouble and stress. 

To me, what i want is a person who is always sensitive to my feelings. A person who can always give me assurance (be it a hug, some nice words). 

What is next? 

You change? I change? Both change? Both dun change? What if the things that you want are always absent in your current life? What would you do?

Many a times, i dunno what is next? What is next for me in life? What would i want to continue to achieve in life? There are too many question marks in my mind. Too many til i dunno which to tackle first. I only know 1 thing: Many a times, i hope when i go to sleep, i dun wake up the next day. And i have hoped for that many a times. I am not joking. 

Bcoz i am starting to lose track what i want to do next. Maybe this is a form of avoidance. Maybe this is a form of self deceive mode. Maybe this is a form of denial. I am starting to lose myself. I dunno what i wana do next, or even what is next for me? Everything seemed destined and we shouldnt go against what's been arranged for you. 

Maybe something that i am quite sure of is, I want to be back to my happy self. But i think i need time. Some more time. Maybe in front of you, you think that i am the usual me. Whatever. I dun love myself enough. I always make myself cry, make myself smile and laugh in front of people. I dun let people see me cry, see me sad. I always cry behind the scene. I want to pick myself up. I need to. 

Move on with my life

Sometimes I feel very maligned when someone misunderstands me but I know deeply in my heart that I cannot please every1. I never know that someone can actually hate me so much that can remove me from his/her list & even block me.

I know I need to move on, and treat it as this person who did that to me is simply childish and immature, and after so many days and months I finally thought it through. So be it, if you want to leave my circle I wont stop you. then I also do not need to keep u in my circle too. I dun mind having 1 or 2 frds lesser.

in fact, I told myself, esp if you are half a century into life, you still behave this way it only proves 1 thing: serves you right for not being successful enough in your life. you are such a petty person that u only know how to grumble and complain about the whole world except yourself. You are an immature adult who always think yrself is the greatest and no 1 should say anything bad about yrself. You never thought that your behaviour has already caused so much poison in other people's lives and you are still so proud of yrself, not even having any sense of self reflection or guilt in your life. You only know how to push blame to others that resulted the events that happened to you esp for the negative ones. 

What has the world come to? How can some1 like you ever existed? You dun feel yourself being at any fault. Let me tell you, actually whatever has happened to you if the reflection of your lousy behaviour. You deserved it. It's not that I am trying to be sarcastic or cruel, bcoz b4 you do anything silly, did u ever thought of other's feelings? Have you ever wondered if you have hurt me too? Oh well, I should move on. Coz keeping such person in my circle will continue to bring toxic into my life, or mayb u feel the same way too, and I dun think this is what I want in life. Thank you for removing me out from your circle, bcoz I will also be doing the same thing. 

Thank you for letting me know what kind of people I want to continue keeping in my circle and thanks for waking me up. I couldn't thank u any lesser. I feel grateful that all this is over. I feel thankful that you make me realise what kind of friends is then called friends. Thank you for giving me the happy moments as well as the misery parts. This is part of my life journey and we are just passer-by in each other's life that's all. Time's up, erase it and move on.

Back to blogging

i recently feel that i need a channel to do my diary writing again... there has been too much in my thoughts and i find no outlets to let it out. I did think of writing it down in my physical diary, which i used to do so for the past few years, but ever since i moved house last yr, i decided not to continue...

this year has been a very busy & packed year for me.... i rarely have spare time to do nothing. some mths, i might be doing a number of things at e same time, which means i need to really multi tasks. though after a few weeks, i got the hang of it, but i am really physically, mentally drained. this year is extremely busy, but a pity, not many people understand my feelings. i am not saying i want someone to pity me or show sympathy. just tat i hope some1 can understand my frustration, situation, grumbles, feelings, constraints etc.

Just as when we have re structured our service model, and i am so close to finish my cases on hand, now my most sensitive case might face a dismissal from employer. Well, there is no way i can explain further here. 

Suddenly, i felt discouraged and i am not sure if i have done wrongly right from the start. Yes, my RO might be right. i am easily discouraged. I am feeling stressed. Though by talking to some of my friends would definitely help, but ultimately is me myself. Can i overcome this hurdle on my own? i think i can, all i need is some time. 

i dont know if what i have been insisting is right, what i have been doing is right, what i have been planning is right. The only thing i know is, i have done my best. Initially, i tot tat being able to find him a job is already a miracle. sustained in a job for 6months n more is already a bonus. but now, it seems that everything is like a bubble, burst and vanish, back to square one, MAYBE. 

Where is the confidence i used to have? i realised i have changed, but dunno for the good or the worse. i kind of lost myself, lost to what i dunno.. who can tell me? i dun dare to tell hubby too much of work matters, coz i dun want him to feel irritated. so, i try to keep it all to myself. n i find myself crying easily than b4 too. what is wrong.... maybe i need a trip to refresh again. i may feel better after that, i never know. Or isit really time for me to move on.... 

Pre-celebration of Le Xuan's 1st birthday 11-09-15

Today is the polling day, so is PH for us. Done our vote in e morn, n afternoon went to my bro's side for Xuan's birthday party!

Le Xuan's birthday is next week, but they decided to hold it earlier as her bday lies on a weekday.

They held the party at the shelter near their block. Well, e haz

e was really bad yest, n today suddenly it was great! Xuan's birthday theme is Carebears! 

They ordered buffet n the cake from Prima. We reached ard 1.30pm, n stayed throughout til near to 5pm. Both Js were obedient surprisingly!!! Normally Jaden will fuss n not wanting to take photo etc. Jav sometimes fuss too. But today, they were great! Thank u boys!

Hubby brought Jaden to the playgrd a few times as he couldnt stay still at all, as usual. Jav was enjoying playing with my cousin Annabel. N he was happy! When the party ended, we needed to help keep things, Jav even helped to move heavy things together with my dad.


We had a great time today, n Xuan was happy too, though in e beginning she did fuss as she was tired. But when she got up, she was ok. Jav skipped nap as he was having fun. Jaden has stopped nap for a long time.

I went to purchase a voucher online to customise a storybook for Xuan. Hopefully she can cultivate a good habit for reading, n a red pkt for her.

It was a short n yet happy occasion for our precious princess in the family. She is well loved by every1. She has many presents today, n hope she enjoyed herself too! Le Xuan, may u continue to grow up happily under the uncondition love & care from your parents n from all of us. We all love u so much. Grow up to be a good & smart girl. U r always e most precious princess in the family!

Javier turns 4!

I didnt want my kids to grow up that fast, but time doesnt stop for ani1. Javier turned 4 this year.

I applied leave, so that i can spend some private time with him. He poor thing, never go aniwhere b4 like Jaden. Tats y i brought him to e zoo

last yr when he was 3. So, this year i decided to bring him to Bird Park.

Haze was bad recently, but thank God for everything. On e day itself on 8th, weather was good. I told him e day b4 his bday that i will bring him to the Bird Park, n he said ok. Well, he did enjoy the trip i should say.

We watched 2 shows, n he was happy. It's like an eye-opener to him. We only spent a few hrs there, mainly bcoz i cannot stand e heat!

Evening, hubby bought a cake as instructed. It's his fav Thomas the Train. He doesnt eat cake, neither does Jaden. We had a simple celebration at home for him. I felt tired celebrating birthdays with tonnes of friends & relatives. Too tiring.

Javier is a fierce boy to his brother. I always hope he can be more loving, though sometimes they do love each other alot. Jav's skin condition improved alot after we brought him to see the chinese med doc recommended by my sec sch frd. It really helps though it was exp.

Seeing them laugh n happy is my happiness. All i wish is they r healthy & happy. Haze is bad, n i kept praying that they dun fall sick, n i have to b careful too as my health is poor. Pls be a more sensible boy ok? Your name represents bright... so i hope your life is bright n good. Happy blessed birthday my little boy! We love u always!