What is next

I am asking myself this question, ok fine, so what's next?

In my mind, in a r/ship, be it friendship, courtship, love, kinship, there must be a basic mutual trust and commitment. If there is no trust, it is very difficult to sustain. At least to my own opinion. I dunno about others.

There is no definite right or wrong in any matter, it's your own choice and you bear the consequences. That is simple. No argument. But, if the explanation is not substantial then how would you want to convince people to trust you. 

Maybe to you, what you want is a person who is independent enough to take care of ownself. Dun give you any kind or any form of trouble and stress. 

To me, what i want is a person who is always sensitive to my feelings. A person who can always give me assurance (be it a hug, some nice words). 

What is next? 

You change? I change? Both change? Both dun change? What if the things that you want are always absent in your current life? What would you do?

Many a times, i dunno what is next? What is next for me in life? What would i want to continue to achieve in life? There are too many question marks in my mind. Too many til i dunno which to tackle first. I only know 1 thing: Many a times, i hope when i go to sleep, i dun wake up the next day. And i have hoped for that many a times. I am not joking. 

Bcoz i am starting to lose track what i want to do next. Maybe this is a form of avoidance. Maybe this is a form of self deceive mode. Maybe this is a form of denial. I am starting to lose myself. I dunno what i wana do next, or even what is next for me? Everything seemed destined and we shouldnt go against what's been arranged for you. 

Maybe something that i am quite sure of is, I want to be back to my happy self. But i think i need time. Some more time. Maybe in front of you, you think that i am the usual me. Whatever. I dun love myself enough. I always make myself cry, make myself smile and laugh in front of people. I dun let people see me cry, see me sad. I always cry behind the scene. I want to pick myself up. I need to. 

Move on with my life

Sometimes I feel very maligned when someone misunderstands me but I know deeply in my heart that I cannot please every1. I never know that someone can actually hate me so much that can remove me from his/her list & even block me.

I know I need to move on, and treat it as this person who did that to me is simply childish and immature, and after so many days and months I finally thought it through. So be it, if you want to leave my circle I wont stop you. then I also do not need to keep u in my circle too. I dun mind having 1 or 2 frds lesser.

in fact, I told myself, esp if you are half a century into life, you still behave this way it only proves 1 thing: serves you right for not being successful enough in your life. you are such a petty person that u only know how to grumble and complain about the whole world except yourself. You are an immature adult who always think yrself is the greatest and no 1 should say anything bad about yrself. You never thought that your behaviour has already caused so much poison in other people's lives and you are still so proud of yrself, not even having any sense of self reflection or guilt in your life. You only know how to push blame to others that resulted the events that happened to you esp for the negative ones. 

What has the world come to? How can some1 like you ever existed? You dun feel yourself being at any fault. Let me tell you, actually whatever has happened to you if the reflection of your lousy behaviour. You deserved it. It's not that I am trying to be sarcastic or cruel, bcoz b4 you do anything silly, did u ever thought of other's feelings? Have you ever wondered if you have hurt me too? Oh well, I should move on. Coz keeping such person in my circle will continue to bring toxic into my life, or mayb u feel the same way too, and I dun think this is what I want in life. Thank you for removing me out from your circle, bcoz I will also be doing the same thing. 

Thank you for letting me know what kind of people I want to continue keeping in my circle and thanks for waking me up. I couldn't thank u any lesser. I feel grateful that all this is over. I feel thankful that you make me realise what kind of friends is then called friends. Thank you for giving me the happy moments as well as the misery parts. This is part of my life journey and we are just passer-by in each other's life that's all. Time's up, erase it and move on.

Back to blogging

i recently feel that i need a channel to do my diary writing again... there has been too much in my thoughts and i find no outlets to let it out. I did think of writing it down in my physical diary, which i used to do so for the past few years, but ever since i moved house last yr, i decided not to continue...

this year has been a very busy & packed year for me.... i rarely have spare time to do nothing. some mths, i might be doing a number of things at e same time, which means i need to really multi tasks. though after a few weeks, i got the hang of it, but i am really physically, mentally drained. this year is extremely busy, but a pity, not many people understand my feelings. i am not saying i want someone to pity me or show sympathy. just tat i hope some1 can understand my frustration, situation, grumbles, feelings, constraints etc.

Just as when we have re structured our service model, and i am so close to finish my cases on hand, now my most sensitive case might face a dismissal from employer. Well, there is no way i can explain further here. 

Suddenly, i felt discouraged and i am not sure if i have done wrongly right from the start. Yes, my RO might be right. i am easily discouraged. I am feeling stressed. Though by talking to some of my friends would definitely help, but ultimately is me myself. Can i overcome this hurdle on my own? i think i can, all i need is some time. 

i dont know if what i have been insisting is right, what i have been doing is right, what i have been planning is right. The only thing i know is, i have done my best. Initially, i tot tat being able to find him a job is already a miracle. sustained in a job for 6months n more is already a bonus. but now, it seems that everything is like a bubble, burst and vanish, back to square one, MAYBE. 

Where is the confidence i used to have? i realised i have changed, but dunno for the good or the worse. i kind of lost myself, lost to what i dunno.. who can tell me? i dun dare to tell hubby too much of work matters, coz i dun want him to feel irritated. so, i try to keep it all to myself. n i find myself crying easily than b4 too. what is wrong.... maybe i need a trip to refresh again. i may feel better after that, i never know. Or isit really time for me to move on.... 

Pre-celebration of Le Xuan's 1st birthday 11-09-15

Today is the polling day, so is PH for us. Done our vote in e morn, n afternoon went to my bro's side for Xuan's birthday party!

Le Xuan's birthday is next week, but they decided to hold it earlier as her bday lies on a weekday.

They held the party at the shelter near their block. Well, e haz

e was really bad yest, n today suddenly it was great! Xuan's birthday theme is Carebears! 

They ordered buffet n the cake from Prima. We reached ard 1.30pm, n stayed throughout til near to 5pm. Both Js were obedient surprisingly!!! Normally Jaden will fuss n not wanting to take photo etc. Jav sometimes fuss too. But today, they were great! Thank u boys!

Hubby brought Jaden to the playgrd a few times as he couldnt stay still at all, as usual. Jav was enjoying playing with my cousin Annabel. N he was happy! When the party ended, we needed to help keep things, Jav even helped to move heavy things together with my dad.


We had a great time today, n Xuan was happy too, though in e beginning she did fuss as she was tired. But when she got up, she was ok. Jav skipped nap as he was having fun. Jaden has stopped nap for a long time.

I went to purchase a voucher online to customise a storybook for Xuan. Hopefully she can cultivate a good habit for reading, n a red pkt for her.

It was a short n yet happy occasion for our precious princess in the family. She is well loved by every1. She has many presents today, n hope she enjoyed herself too! Le Xuan, may u continue to grow up happily under the uncondition love & care from your parents n from all of us. We all love u so much. Grow up to be a good & smart girl. U r always e most precious princess in the family!

Javier turns 4!

I didnt want my kids to grow up that fast, but time doesnt stop for ani1. Javier turned 4 this year.

I applied leave, so that i can spend some private time with him. He poor thing, never go aniwhere b4 like Jaden. Tats y i brought him to e zoo

last yr when he was 3. So, this year i decided to bring him to Bird Park.

Haze was bad recently, but thank God for everything. On e day itself on 8th, weather was good. I told him e day b4 his bday that i will bring him to the Bird Park, n he said ok. Well, he did enjoy the trip i should say.

We watched 2 shows, n he was happy. It's like an eye-opener to him. We only spent a few hrs there, mainly bcoz i cannot stand e heat!

Evening, hubby bought a cake as instructed. It's his fav Thomas the Train. He doesnt eat cake, neither does Jaden. We had a simple celebration at home for him. I felt tired celebrating birthdays with tonnes of friends & relatives. Too tiring.

Javier is a fierce boy to his brother. I always hope he can be more loving, though sometimes they do love each other alot. Jav's skin condition improved alot after we brought him to see the chinese med doc recommended by my sec sch frd. It really helps though it was exp.

Seeing them laugh n happy is my happiness. All i wish is they r healthy & happy. Haze is bad, n i kept praying that they dun fall sick, n i have to b careful too as my health is poor. Pls be a more sensible boy ok? Your name represents bright... so i hope your life is bright n good. Happy blessed birthday my little boy! We love u always!

Change of mobile model

I always change my mobile model within 24 months. This is the 1st time i will ever shoot after 24 months.

I was always thinking which to change.. change this or tat.. until i decided to change to Note 5.

Initially was abit tempted to change to S6, but still i find it small for my big palm. Yesterday was my 10yr of getting my car license... so decided to reward myself by buying the Note5.

Besides that, i oso bought the original Samsung powerbank. I had 1 actually, but since i do not have an external batt for this model, i would need 1 more powerbank to standby then. I cannot get used to hp dying without extra backup. Somemore the powerbank is light blue in colour, very nice!

I have to start to get used to Note... As my previous is S4. I havent gotten e casing yet, so need to quickly get 1... Hope this phone serves me well loh... I got 64GB since cannot put sd card, haha. 

Happy that i managed to change hp again! 

Javier was down with HFMD

Tue night, when Javier was asleep, i suddenly realised something was not v right. I saw many red popped up spots on his soles, n then i tried to look at his mouth, n spotted 3 ulcers on e lips. What worried me was HFMD.

Then i tried to recall if there's any unusual behaviour for the past few days. Yes indeed, his appetite was bad, n a few times he cannot finish his milk.

Decided to bring him see doc, and as what i had guessed, he has kenna HFMD. Faintz. i had to take leave and take care of him. He needed to b isolated from Jaden.

Though with HFMD, he was still active. His appetite became better on friday evening when he actually requested for rice. he ate v little for e past few days, bcoz his throat area oso has a few ulcers. tat explained y he couldnt finish his pancakes, scrambled eggs & milk for those days. Poor boy.

I started to have an ulcer on the tongue area, n 1 on the gum. i was observing myself closely at the same time. By friday night, Javier could finish all his milk n eat quite alot of rice. I guessed his road to recovery is approaching.

Sunday evening, brought him to doc again, n YES! he has recovered fully! Doc said his case is mild n he indeed recovered v fast. Doc helped me checked too, and i am not infected. Phew.

Javier reported back to CC yesterday, n i was also back to work too. exhausted all my CC leave n FCL for 2015 liao. Pray hard nothing bad will happen for the rest of the year... Pray hard!