HBL+WFH during COVID

I have been WFH for more than a month already. The boys also have been doing full HBL during this period as well.

I think i have been doing a good job so far. Every day, i plan out and arrange the work/tasks that they need to do the next day. I will write down the tasks required the night before. Even until now when they have started their holidays early, people may think that they have no other assignments to do. But who says so? I still plan out work for them to do, be it worksheets, art, typing, exercise, they are also scheduled to help out with some simple housework, eg folding their own clothes, wash cloth and clean their study desk/dining table, sweeping/mopping their own room. These are manageable tasks, just that need to plan out the timing right so that i can also have my time to do my own things.

Besides WFH and managing their HBL, i also need to do other housechores, and even cooking. If i am not cooking, i would need to rush out to buy lunch back. It will be manageable when they can execute some tasks independently, but there are still work that i would be required to be beside them to monitor and guide. 

The house is still in a piece, and every one is still alive. But i should praise my sons after all. They have been cooperative so far and have been rather obedient.

However, parents may not have the patience to do the coaching and teaching when at home. For me, i definitely do not have such patience. Even if i am an ex-educator. Haha, what a irony. I feel proud of myself, as well as my boys, because every one has been abiding to the regulations and restrictions. I just hope everything and everyone can sustain and maintain good health and mental state. 

失眠

这整个星期都是处在失眠夜的状态。都是差不多凌晨两三点后才能入睡。不知是否头脑里的思绪太乱，还是因为背痛的缘故，翻来翻去就是睡不下。

人脑啊，就是一个复杂的器官。要它停下来时它不听话，要它此时运作它又和你唱反调。前阵子也一直有头痛的毛病，不知道哪里出了问题。这几天又好像没有那么频繁了。

双眼瞪得大大的，头脑一直不肯休息。尝试过用经典乐来舒缓情绪，就是不管用。

头脑不时出现很多不同的画面和想法。不断出现的是 “如果” 的画面。

很多事情就是怎么想也想不通，我认为自己的性格也有问题，就是有时会钻牛角尖，胡思乱想。我觉得，谁不想每天都是愉悦的，无忧的。一个人若常常胡思乱想，钻牛角尖往往与缺乏安全感扯不开干系。矛盾的是：安全感，不是每个人都给得起的。

不是一个人不在外胡搞瞎搞就是安全感。不是一个人嘴上说爱你就是安全感。每个人的要求都不一样。你所谓的安全感又是什么呢？

说到 “如果”，在脑中浮现的情景是，如果。。。如果我有一架时光机，我想回到我15岁的时候。15岁，是我认为我人生中其中一段最开心的时候。我很感激这个曾经在我生命里出现的人。甚至到我出嫁时，他也给与我他的祝福和支持。我十分感激他的大方，感激他的慷慨，感激他的原谅。若时间能够倒流，我宁愿不要他的祝福，我宁愿不要他的支持。

身为我的头脑，它非常忙碌。它每天都在帮我想很多事情，所有好的坏的，导致我的思绪很乱，久久无法平复。失眠，应该就是这样吧。

这2个星期对我来说不容易。一方面我要表现得自然，因为生活还是要过，孩子还是要看，工作还是要做。另一方面，我的心很乱，很多时候都想什么都不要做，就是哭一场，大哭特哭。生活上和情绪上的矛盾搞得我晚上都睡不着。凌晨1-2点，眼睛还是大大的，怎么躺都不对。我不想和任何人有正面的交谈，因为我怕。我怕眼泪又会不由自主地流下。就算没哭，也会热泪盈眶。

你看，头脑一直左想右想，不失眠就假了。我今天要试一试早点躺下，看有没有办法趁早入眠。

What is next

I am asking myself this question, ok fine, so what's next?

In my mind, in a r/ship, be it friendship, courtship, love, kinship, there must be a basic mutual trust and commitment. If there is no trust, it is very difficult to sustain. At least to my own opinion. I dunno about others.

There is no definite right or wrong in any matter, it's your own choice and you bear the consequences. That is simple. No argument. But, if the explanation is not substantial then how would you want to convince people to trust you. 

Maybe to you, what you want is a person who is independent enough to take care of ownself. Dun give you any kind or any form of trouble and stress. 

To me, what i want is a person who is always sensitive to my feelings. A person who can always give me assurance (be it a hug, some nice words). 

What is next? 

You change? I change? Both change? Both dun change? What if the things that you want are always absent in your current life? What would you do?

Many a times, i dunno what is next? What is next for me in life? What would i want to continue to achieve in life? There are too many question marks in my mind. Too many til i dunno which to tackle first. I only know 1 thing: Many a times, i hope when i go to sleep, i dun wake up the next day. And i have hoped for that many a times. I am not joking. 

Bcoz i am starting to lose track what i want to do next. Maybe this is a form of avoidance. Maybe this is a form of self deceive mode. Maybe this is a form of denial. I am starting to lose myself. I dunno what i wana do next, or even what is next for me? Everything seemed destined and we shouldnt go against what's been arranged for you. 

Maybe something that i am quite sure of is, I want to be back to my happy self. But i think i need time. Some more time. Maybe in front of you, you think that i am the usual me. Whatever. I dun love myself enough. I always make myself cry, make myself smile and laugh in front of people. I dun let people see me cry, see me sad. I always cry behind the scene. I want to pick myself up. I need to.